I’m bad at this.

So I’m sitting at work on my lunch, forcing myself to write and actually get this blog going (it probably won’t), while at the same time fighting off a relentless allergy attack. I’m miserable and when I get into these moods I start to think “what’s the point”? The point – I tell myself – is to keep going. Keep working, keep making films, keep creating. The Fright Film Competition is this Sunday, you’ve found somebody interested in producing HEX, the annual Night of All Nights is fast approaching, there’s so much to do.

So why does it feel like I haven’t moved much? What is that feeling? If I force myself to be introspective I can prove that I have improved from last year. That if I watch the first “trailer” I put out back in April, 2018, to the last project of this year, there is visible evidence that one is markedly better than the other and I seem to be on the right track.

First – The Spheres concept trailer. April 2018
Last (so far) – Good Works 2019 Fright Film Competition submission.

I think it’s my competitiveness. I want to be the best, the first, all the time, and even though that rarely happens, I still put that amount of effort into winning. “Winning” in this case is being an objectively better filmmaker than my peers. But what has that done for me so far? It’s definitely helped with the drive to create and to be creative, but I didn’t get into filmmaking to be better than anybody. I did it to make movies I wanted to see. The challenge is reigning in my ego and desire to make better films but still keep the embers hot for when I’m feeling down and apathetic. I’m currently making a bunch of short films to continue to hone my craft but I want to move into features soon. I’ve been trying to put things into motion for HEX and I’m hoping to use that and Good Works as concept projects for feature lengths of the same thing.

I set a goal for myself this year. 10 short films in 2019. I will not achieve that goal – BUT – I got very close.

Uphill*
Burgers – March 2019
Mother’s Day – May 2019
Current Events – June 2019**
Butterfly Social Music Video – November 2019
TBD – 2019***
HEX – (Still crossing my fingers this gets done before December 31st but we’ll see)

Okay so by very close I mean half. Still not bad in my opinion and I think it was a good goal. I learned a lot on all of these and I continue to learn which is the most I could ask for from engaging in this weird business. Finally I want to clear something up from earlier. There is an enormous amount of talent in the Ohio film scene and trying to constantly “outdo” that talent is an exercise in futility, but that’s what drives me. I want to be like those that have come before me and stand on the shoulders of giants. I don’t hold any malice towards any of the other film makers in my area but I am paying close attention to what they make so I can use it to improve my own films. What a little parasite I am 😉

* Finished in 2018 but released in 2019
** Completed and edited but unreleased
*** Editor for a 48hour Film Project

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